Oct 1 2019

When I set goals, I often find myself really enthusiastic at first but over time I tend to lose motivation and the drive to follow through. When I eventually give up on my goals, I feel terrible and for a long time I just accepted that this was out of my control. That this was just how it works, but I've figured out a way to change this. It's not a magic fix and it doesn't work every time, but I think it's a step in the right direction and if I keep taking small steps like this, eventually I think I'll make it to where I wanna be. I’m Daniel Lam and this is Inner Monkey.

So the other day, I woke up and as I walked into my bathroom to brush my teeth, I saw my reflection in the mirror and thought, man I should really take better care of myself. I’ve had this thought many times before, but for some reason, this time it really resonated with me. I decided that I’m actually going to do something about it.

As I brushed, I started to plan it out in my head. I don’t like the idea of working out in front of others. I know I’m out of shape and it’s just embarrassing when other people can see how pathetic I am. I know, it’s silly. No one at the gym is really paying attention to me, it’s all in my head, but still. I’d prefer not to be stuck in a room where I can imagine people are judging me.

Maybe I’ll go for a light jog outside. I know there are people there too, but I can literally run away from them, so yea, I think that sounds good. Let’s see, it’s got to be a workout so I'll need to push myself. Maybe I'll start with 30 minutes of jogging and I can go from there? Yea, ok. 30 minutes every day, starting Monday. It’s not a lot but it’s a start.

So Monday rolls around and I go for my jog. But who was I kidding, 30 minutes of continuous jogging? Yea right, I was winded after 10. I walked for a few minutes and jogged some more. I got tired again and you get the idea. By the time I got home, I was exhausted but I did it. I was proud of myself but also a little disappointed that I’m more out of shape than had I imagined.

The next few days were pretty similar to the first. I kept pushing myself and afterwards, I felt an odd mix of being proud and disappointed in myself.

On Friday as it got closer to when I planned to take my jog, my Inner Monkey started to pat me on the back. I had done pretty well so far maybe I deserved a break today. He’s convinced, one day won’t make a difference. And pointed out I’ve already done 4 days without any noticeable physical improvement. It’ll probably be fine, as long as I don’t make a habit out of this. I reluctantly, like an idiot, agreed with my Inner Monkey.

I make sure not to skip my jog again on Saturday, but on Sunday, it started raining…and it rained all day. My Inner Monkey really didn’t wanna go out in the rain. He was very focused on how much jogging in the rain would suck. For one, all my clothes will stick to together and what if I slip and fall? He helpfully reminded me that it seemed fine when I took Friday off, and that the rain is actually a much better reason to skip than just wanting to take a break. Naturally, I caved.

Somewhere along the way, after the initial rush of getting started, I slowly lost motivation and my Inner Monkey kept giving me more and more excuses to slack off until eventually I gave up altogether. This is incredibly frustrating because it’s a pretty common occurrence for me; and it happens even with things that are clearly valuable and important to me.

My inner monkey is always tempting me away from my goals. And I think he does this because he doesn’t understand my goals. My goals are usually too abstract for him. Getting into shape is a vague goal without any real definition. I’ll know what “in-shape” looks like only when I see it. But this doesn’t help my Inner Monkey because to him, that just means anything I do today won’t be enough to reach my goal. But the effort that’s required today, that's a cost that needs to be paid right now. And that seems like an unfair trade-off for him, so of course he’s resistant. If I want him to do something, I need to convince him that his efforts will be worth it and not wasted.

The goal that I focus on, shouldn’t be to get in shape. That should be more like the guiding principle behinds my goals. Instead, I should have smaller goals, something I can achieve in a day. In my case, I still haven’t built up the endurance to jog for a whole 30 minutes without needing to walk. My goal could simply be to reach 10 minutes every day. Once I’ve reached 10 minutes, I’ve reached my goal and my Inner Monkey can feel a sense of accomplishment. His actions will have an affect he can see. And when 10 minutes become too easy for me, then I can increase it. My Inner Monkey needs to feel like he’s earned it and if it’s too easy, he wont care. On the flip side, if it’s too difficult, he’ll become frustrated. The bar needs to be set high enough that he needs to work for it, but never so high that he can’t reach it.

If I think about any game that I’ve ever enjoy playing, I never felt like I've had it all figured it out. For instance, I no longer have interest in playing tic-tac-toe. Because it’s just too easy. There’s no challenge anymore. I need a steady progression of challenges where I can feel like I’m continuing to improve myself. Many video games do this. The first few levels are usually easy. So I feel like I’ve mastered the easy levels before moving onto the harder ones. If I get stuck on a level for too long, I start to get frustrated and then bored. The games that I remember most fondly, are ones where each step never felt too big or too small. They were just right. This is how I get my Inner Monkey on my side, so that he’s working me, instead of against me.

I need to find a similar sweet spot when it comes to setting my goals. That way, my Inner Monkey can be motivated and rewarded in the same way that games do for me. The key is positive reinforcement. I want to cheer on my Inner Monkey as much as possible. I want him to feel good about the effort he’s put in. And I want to avoid setting him up for failure. My Inner Monkey doesn’t respond well to failure. If he misses the mark by a little, he’ll try harder next time because he knows it’s with reach, but if he loses hope, it’s all over. And that's why I can't let him focus on big goals, because those are never immediately within reach.

The nice thing about gradually expanding small goals is that I no longer need to think of my overarching goal. If I purely focus on my daily goals and continue to adjust them as needed, before I know it, I’ll reach my real goal without my inner monkey ever having to think about it.

So I should start making my goals like levels in a game. A game that my Inner Monkey wants to play, so I can live the life I want to live.