Sept 17, 2019

I wanna be successful, but it always seems out of reach. Sure, I've had success in some of the things I've done, but that's not the same thing. I don't feel successful, so does that make me a failure? I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and unable to make any forward progress? Am I destined to feel this way forever?

I've asked myself questions like these, over and over again never really knowing what to do with them. But I think I may have stumbled onto the answers to at least a few of these questions. I'm Daniel Lam and this is Inner Monkey.

My first real job after college, was the first time in my life that I made enough to not only support myself but to start planning for my future. In that moment, I felt like I had made it; like I had become successful. Then I notice that my entry-level position was at the bottom of the corporate ladder, and I was back to feeling like a loser and inferior again.

My solution to this was to try to climb that corporate ladder. With every promotion I felt like a rock-star but after each one, reality slapped me in the face as I was reminded of all the people in positions above me. I was always focused on the next rung to climb, the next step to take. I couldn’t seem to just stop and appreciate the achievement of making it as far as I had.

I wasn't content with what I had achieved because my inner monkey wants to be successful, but he has no idea what that means. It’s a goal that can never be achieved because it hasn't been defined. And it can't be.

Becoming successful isn't something I can work towards, it's a mirage. It's a vague, nebulous idea that my inner monkey is obsessed with. Becoming successful is about as real as the pot of gold at end of a rainbow.

The idea of being successful comes from my inner monkey's fixation on what I don't have and his habit of ignoring what I do have. He'll never be satisfied because, there's always something I don't or can't have. I can always makes more money, do more meaningful work, have a more impressive title and better work-life balance. But I can never have it all, and that's why his definition of being successful can never be satisfied.

Things that I can work towards, have milestones that can mark my progress, and a finish line that doesn't move. Striving to become a billionaire is a terrible goal because for me, it's pretty unrealistic, but it's still way better than trying to become successful. Because, if I want to become a billionaire, at least, what I need to achieve is clear, a billion dollars. And while that particular finish line is super far away, it's stationary, and not a moving target. Which makes it infinitely better than trying to become successful in the abstract.

My inner monkey has the expectation that I can become successful because he doesn't realize it's just an illusion. It's this expectation of his that sets me up for failure and creates a vicious cycle of disappointment when I seem to fail time and time again.

My inner monkey will argue that even though his vague idea of success it isn't perfect, it does have benefits. He'll claim that chasing after this carrot on a stick motivates me to go after things that make my life better. And in a way, he’s right, but these are really just side effects of having something to strive for.

If I replace this mirage with a real goal, I’ll be just as motivated to achieve it, but without the downside of guaranteed failure and the vicious cycle of disappointment that comes with it.

My inner monkey is drawn to being successful because he can't articulate what it is he wants, so he just reaches for everything. If I can understand what it he really wants, I can find something to work towards that makes both of us happier. Goals like working to earn a promotion, or saving up enough to buy a home. Maybe he wants more time to travel or to feel like he's making a difference in my community.

Being successful is an illusion, but success itself is real. By pursuing real goals instead of imaginary ones, not only will I feel better about what I've already achieved but I can work towards actively building a future where I can live the life I want to live.