Sept 17, 2019

Sometimes, it feels like time is going by too fast. It's almost October and I’ve barely done any of the things that I wanted to do. What happened to getting back into shape? What happened to working on this podcast, or trying to read more? I just didn’t seem to have enough time. But where did all the time go? Other people don't seem to have this problem, so I must be doing something wrong. I'm Daniel Lam and this is Inner Monkey.

I’m at work 9 hours every day and my commute is about an hour each way. Assuming I sleep for 8 hours, that still leaves 5 hours every day plus the weekends. That’s a decent chunk of time and more than enough to do at least one of the things that I wanted.

But when I get off work, I’m pretty exhausted; My inner monkey can’t wait to get home so we can relax and just melt into my couch. We just want to forget everything and lose ourselves in a world where the problems belong to someone else and their consequences can’t affect us.

I’ve thought about why this is, why my inner monkey has this urge to get lost in fantasies. And I think it’s because, he finds work stressful and filled with anxieties.

Since I recently started a new job, every time my manager calls me in for an impromptu meeting, my inner monkey, however irrational, has a mini panic attack cause he’s absolutely sure, this time, I’m about to be fired.

In my old job, my inner monkey didn’t have this fear. I was pretty confident in my abilities, so I was always trying to position myself for that next promotion. But fear of missing out on that promotion, was always lurking around the corner.

All this fear and panic eventually made my Inner Monkey a little afraid of what might happen next. When I was frightened as a child. I would run to my bed and hide under the covers. I believed, or maybe I just hoped, that if I couldn’t see the monsters, they wouldn’t exist. I know now that it was a silly thing to do but my Inner Monkey still thinks this way.

When I get lost in a world that isn’t mine, whether it’s fiction, sports, or a video game, my Inner Monkey is distracted from reality and that’s his version of hiding under the covers. That’s why he wants to go home as soon my workday is over. He doesn’t want anymore surprises. He wants to hide in activities he’s familiar with. But if all he needs is a good distraction and no unwanted surprises, there are actually a lot of other things that would make him just as happy.

I know some people who find going for a long run calming even though for me and my Inner Monkey, it seems like work. But these people don’t look more stressed afterwards, if anything, they actually seem more relaxed. And I think that’s because while running is more work than, say, sitting on the couch, their Inner Monkey is distracted and he isn’t freaking out anymore. They’ve managed to teach their Inner Monkey that their runs are a safe place, where unwanted surprises won’t find them.

But even though I know that, when I think about working out myself, I can feel my Inner Monkey squirming around in my mind. He thinks those people are just weird and none of this applies to us. They are special snowflakes and that workout garbage, it's not for us.

If I want my Inner Monkey to go along with what I want, I need to prove to him that what I want is safe. And the best way to do that, is by showing him. I need to put myself in whatever situation he's afraid of so he can see that no harm comes to me. And slowly over time, he'll let his guard down and accepts that it's safe.

So if it’s just a matter of convincing him, the question, now, is, what do I want to spend my time on? At the moment, I think that means I want to focus on my personal goals. I want to get in shape, to read more and to work on this podcast. But if I want to prioritize having fun with my friends or playing a video game that should be perfectly OK too. I don’t think what I choose to do really matters. What matters is that I chose it and that I don’t let my inner monkey just do whatever wants.

That being said, I think it’s important to keep asking myself, “Is this how I want to spend my time?”. While I shouldn’t feel guilty about having fun or enjoying myself, I do need to be honest with myself about what’s important to me. Is there something else I’d rather be doing? Will future me wish I had done something else? I only have 5 hours every day to do the things I want. And time is a valuable resource that, I think, is often overlooked. It’s easy to value money. I love getting a good deal as much has the next person, but I can always earn more money. What I can’t get more of, is time, and once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.

So I should start trying to convince my inner monkey that he can be happy doing the things matter to me, so I can live the life I want to live.